Beliefs and Habits that Keep Relationships Stuck

I wanted to stop gossiping. I loved spending time with other people but I hated that I went away feeling guilty for things I had said. I betrayed friends by sharing their secrets. I was judgmental of them, and expressed frustrations and offenses they had committed against me...that I refused to share with the person who committed them. I felt close to the person I was talking to in the moment, but I hated myself afterward. I hated being worried that the person I had gossiped with would go and repeat what I said about our other friends. But I couldn't figure out what we were supposed to talk about if we didn't talk about people. I remember actually contemplating that. And the embarrassment I would feel if I did what I felt convicted to do.

But God was patient with me. He sent people to teach and train me. He showed me a better way.

Communication is the cornerstone of relationships. How I communicate in relationships determines the level of intimacy that can be reached in the relationship. And sometimes we can be stuck in patterns that we don't even know don't have to be repeated. We don't even know there's something better. But there is!

We all learn to communicate in childhood. Sometimes the things we learn are a detriment to our relationships as an adult. Rejections that we experience as a child teach us to hide, be passive or passive aggressive. It's like a code we learn to use as a child to protect ourselves from pain.

It's frustrating to be communicated with through these means, but even dealing with our own frustration with being on the receiving end of those communication tactics, we still use them.

What it comes down to is pride. And pride comes from a lack of knowledge and belief of our identity in Christ.

If I believe that I am a beloved child of God, and I am secure in that love...then the fear of what other human beings can do to harm me stops dictating my behavior. Rejection loses it's power over me because I know that God will never reject me and what humans think about me isn't relevant.

I am free to communicate openly. To speak the truth in love. To be a peacemaker. To stop being a victim of "common enemy intimacy".

Jesus said, "come to me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest".

Don't you want that rest? Don't you want the peace that Jesus has to offer? Don't you want to have a clear conscience and peace knowing that if your friends overheard all of your conversations, they would still be your friends?

Then why are you believing the lies that Satan tells you?

The lie that it's better to just not say anything? The lie that you can't confront people? The lie that you don't need to confess your sin to anyone but God? The lie that being lonely is better than being rejected? The lie that it's not lying to say 'I'm okay' when I'm not? The lie that intimate relationships can be built on gossip? The lie that it's not worth it? The lie that it doesn't matter? The lie that everybody does it, so it won't hurt if I do it? The lie that 'other people' is the only thing to talk about. 

The lie that being loved by other people is more important than obeying God. The lie that God won't provide what I need if honor him in my communication. 

Stop believing the lies of the person whose goal  it is to deceive you and lead you to Hell...a living one and the real one. 

We can have REAL, life giving intimacy that God intends or the shallow, lonely kind that Satan cultivates when we gossip or say things we shouldn't.

You are loved by a God who has chosen you, even when you rejected him. He has a plan for you. And he's happy about all of it.

Communication is the cornerstone of relationships. How are your relationships?

Challenge: Test your relationships. Are they built on "common enemy intimacy"?
1.) For one week, commit to not speaking negatively to your friends/family about anyone else (even other friends/family). Do not allow yourself a gray area. If there is a question in your mind about whether it violates your commitment...it violates your commitment.
2.) Commit to not repeating what your friends/family say to you, without first getting their       permission.
3.) Keep a journal and write about how it goes.

Conversation Geometry

The air in the car was thick with tension. Both of us frustrated, angry.

I said a quick prayer under my breath.

And suddenly, the fog lifted.

The conversation had not gone where I intended. Somehow, slowly, one step at a time, it had taken a 45 degree turn from where I had intended to go.

The problem was that I had not clearly defined the purpose of the conversation. So when his reply gently knocked the conversation off center, I didn't recognize it. And then I replied to his reply and knocked it clearly off the path to my intended destination. With each rebuttal, it went further off course.

It's something I've noticed happens a lot. A huge percentage of arguments or discussions never reach their potential because I allow them to be steered off course...to a topic that might be related...but isn't really ON topic at all.

So, here's a scenario.

A friend asked me to go with her to talk to a member of a group we are in about her habitual tardiness. She was coming in late, causing a disruption.

My friend started the conversation well, "when you stand in the dining room visiting and making your coffee and don't come into the group in a timely manner, I feel disrespected and disoriented and distracted. I need you to come into the room at the designated time." The reply from the lady we were confronting was too long to recount but she agreed to make her way into the room in a timely manner. But then, without missing a beat, she brought up a conversation we had had two weeks before, when my friend had used a word that this person did not like. The subtle transition made it seem like this topic fit into the conversation, but it really didn't. My friend then responded to that specific comment and the discussion became heated.

After watching this derailment unfold, it confirmed something I had been thinking a lot about. Because I was an impartial bystander, I was able to recognize the tactic for what it was...a derailment. So I stepped in, acknowledged that the purpose of the conversation (the fellow participant coming to class in a timely manner) had been reached and anything further was another topic and could be discussed later, as it's own purpose.

When I go into a conversation, I have to have a clear purpose, a defined end goal.

Without that, I won't be able to perceive subtle derailments. And I will leave the conversation feeling frustrated, which has the potential for further miscommunication and conflict.

When considering my responses, I need ask myself...with this end game in mind...is what I am about to say 1) on topic? Does it support my goal for this conversation or is this opening up the conversation to other topics...which will take the conversation off course? and 2) as concise as I can be? The more words I use the more likely it is that the conversation will become distracted and result in unwanted and hurtful conflict that doesn't lead to peace.

Communication is important, and during conversations, especially difficult ones, a lot of emotions and beliefs come into play. Those beliefs drive how I act and respond. Emotions can have a big impact and can be a huge distraction during conversations. If I am being confronted, I might feel hurt, embarrassed and exposed, which could lead to pride, defensiveness and blame shifting.

For example, if Michael says "when you correct me in front of the kids, I feel disrespected"...I might feel defensive and shift the blame back to him with "well you do ________".

The thing is, him doing ________ does not change the fact that he feels disrespected when I correct him in front of the kids. Yes, _______ might be something I need to address with him, but right now we are talking about how he feels when I correct him in front of the kids. It is wrong to continue behaviors that make him feel disrespected, regardless of whether HE is the perfect spouse. This would be a situation where Michael could say "you know, you're right, I do that. Let's write that down and set a time to talk about that later."

Instead of allowing my emotions to dictate my actions, I have to tell myself the truth. Yes, I am feeling hurt, embarrassed and exposed, because I believe

1.)that he is being mean to me by pointing out my flaws.
2.)that he does wrong things when the kids are around and that I need to correct him.
3.)that he has just as many flaws as I do and he has no business pointing out mine.

1.) Is it true that he is being mean by pointing out my flaws? No. Being truthful and standing up for himself is not being mean. He is addressing the truth that he feels disrespected.

2.) He may do things wrong in front of the kids, but does that mean I have to correct him in front of them? No. The truth is, it would be more productive for me to wait until they aren't around to address it.

3.) Does he have just as many flaws as me? Yes. Does that mean he has no business pointing out my flaws? Absolutely not. That is my pride talking. Pride has no voice in this issue.

So the truth here is that I correct him in front of the kids, he feels disrespected, and I need to find another time to correct him. Anything else is a distraction. It MAY be truth, but it is not pertinent to this conversation.

That conversation we had in the car? After I said the prayer, I defined for myself the purpose of the conversation and I was able to communicate that to Michael. We acknowledged the problem, resolved it and went away feeling close and empowered.

Communication is powerful, but often I allow pride to prevent it from happening affectively. But it's not worth it. That feeling of closeness is worth staying on topic and hearing him out.

Re-Inventing Myself Again. Except, Not.

I started my first blog years ago.

I had dreams of becoming a famous blogger. Really, I just tried to use it as a means of earning income so that I didn't have to get a job.

I have reinvented myself as a blogger many times, thinking that "if I could just find the right niche", "if my blog was pretty enough" or my writing good enough or my topics interesting enough...people would want to read my stuff.

My first blog was on Xanga, and I didn't even know what a blog was. I shared my raw thoughts there. It was mostly unhealthy and drenched in sin.

And then I moved to blogger. I started out as Wisdom's Pupil where I shared about motherhood and wifehood. And then The Happy Homemaker where I shared much of the same but also homemaking stuff. Then I was Stepping Out of My Boat, which was about where God was taking me. And then I became Hannah in Grace Land, which is a lot of just what God gives me to share.

But here I am, 11 years after I started my first blog and my audience hasn't really even grown. It's changed. The people who love me enough to read my writing has changed drastically. And as much as I have tried, I have never made a penny from my writing.

I have asked myself a million times...why aren't I good enough? Why can't I make this work?

At this point in my life, I believe it's simply because that's not what God has for me. At least it hasn't been yet, maybe it never will be.

One of the things I've done to improve is buy a subscription to Lysa Terkheursts Compel and The Nester/Emily P. Freeman's site that I can't even remember the name of.

It's all great information. But I unsubscribed from both for the same basic reasons...it's good information, I just don't think there's a formula.

I don't think it's something that can be taught to everyone. Sure, good things come from it and I don't think I'm worse off than when I joined those sites...but I just don't think it's that simple.

Writing is what I keep coming back to, but is it what God has for me, or is it just what was/is accessible? My portal to the outside world, with very little risk involved?

I don't know the answer to that.

I don't think I am ever going to be a successful writer. To be honest, I am not sad about that. I am frustrated and curious and . . . tired.

The thing is, I just want to be in God's will for me. Whatever that is. I want to be using the gifts He's given me...regardless of where that ends up being.

One good thing is that I can look back at the things I've written over the last 11 years and see how much God has grown me.

It's amazing. It really is. I read something I wrote and remember exactly what I was feeling when I wrote it...and then realize how different I was at the time.

So for that, I am thankful.

And, if I have learned nothing else over the last few years I have learned that God's timing is perfect...when He's ready...nothing will get in the way of His purpose. And so, I await His direction.